Mall Walkers Contest |
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GOD, I hate the mall!
by ????
If it's not the parking, it's having to go to EVERY freakin' store in the mall, and leave empty-handed. Worse, I KNOW that I will have to field the dreaded, "Do these jeans make my ass look fat?" question. ONE day, ONE DAY I'll have the balls to say, "No dear, it's the Twinkies that make your ASS FAT!"
So there I found myself, once again, on shotgun duty outside the dressing room, "guarding" her purse. "Hmm, shotgun," I though to myself, "I'll have to stop by the 'Man Store' section of the S-Mart and check out the guns"
However, my pleasant dreams are cut short by a piercing scream from the dressing room! I expect to hear next, "Baby, can you puhleease find me these in a 10, these damn European sizes are so wrong?!?!" Instead, I see her running towards me a bloody mess!
"What the fu..." I think, but my thoughts are shattered by the vision of the sales girl tackling Deb and taking a big chomp out of her head! My moment of shock and revulsion quickly ends when I notice that she is now eyeing MY melon!
What should I do? Think, THINK! Suddenly a stream of thoughts hit my head, "House of dead, Zombies, guns, HEAD SHOTS! GUNS! Shop Smart..."
I ditch the purse and make pace to the S-Mart. The mall is in total chaos, with screaming, bloodied people running all around. Hurry, feet, HURRY! Past the "Disco Pants and Hair Cuts" store, and I'm there, S-Mart!
I go to the gun section and find the gun case is already open. I grab and load a couple of pump shotguns, and stuff as much ammo into a backpack as possible. As I plan my exit route, my thoughts are interrupted by a screeching zombie headed my way. Calmly, I aim, squeeze off a shot, and blast his head clean off. As expected, he slumps to the ground. I look around and see nothing else, so I calmly brush myself off, and say, "THIS. I'm trained for." I chuckle, but quickly realize there is no one there to appreciate the reference.
"Enough Talk," I think, "Get to the CAR!" I run out into the mall, and quickly fall into a pattern: Step, shoot, step, shoot, run, etc. Occasionally, I glimpse a few others that have joined the "game, " but it always looks too difficult to try and join up with anyone.
As I near the exit, a big zombie jumps out in front of me. Calmly I aim and CLICK! Shit! Point barrel down, back up again, aim, and CLICK! I smack him across the mouth with the butt of the gun, and grab the other shotgun out of my pack. I have just enough time to get a shot off.
"Phew!" I think, " That was freaking close! Note to self: THIS IS NOT A GAME! Reloading the shotgun takes time! I grab the empty gun, and refill it.
I make my way out of the mall, into total chaos. Cars are crashing and burning left and right. Speed is of the essence so I make a mad dash to the car. I've got a shotgun in each arm, shooting anything that moves. The guns are getting heavy, and the pack is getting light, which are both bad signs. I duck behind a car and reload, using up the remaining ammo.
I sprint towards the car, which is surrounded by zombies. In a desperate move, I bull rush through the crowd, shooting out my windows as I go. I jump into the car, and reach into my pockets. I am filled with a sense of dread, as I realize that my pockets are empty. I hear a scratching noise behind me, as I feel a sharp pain. The last thought that goes through me brain is, "The PURSE, the keys are in that GODDAMNED purse!"
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